Worst Professional Ever

So we have been having trouble with some sort of pest in the apartment. I have gotten so many bites now that my legs looks like I ran into a cactus.

Anyway, we called a pest control professional (and I use that term loosely) to come and examine the house. After checking the bed for a span of 5 seconds he proudly announced it wasn't bed bugs. I knew that. I told him over the phone it wasn't bed bug or chiggers. He asked me what chiggers were.

That should have been a clue.

At any rate, I showed him the little bug we found on the bed. He had a good hard look (with a flashlight and a magnifying glass.) After a few second of "ohhhh...." he asked where we had been lately - if we had been overseas. I said we hadn't. He told us that bugs can hitch rides on luggage. He looked nervous.

Still no word of which bug - I guess it's a bug with a passport.

I hiked up my pants leg to show him the bites. After a brief moment of shock, he exclaimed, "wow! Look at that!" He didn't examine the bites or ask me anything about them. He just seemed impressed with the bug.

He went on to inform us that all the pest control products they used were natural, "All green," he said. When I asked for specifics he just repeated that they were "all green." I asked again about the safety. Were they okay around cats? He offered us a discount.

Okay, now I was getting nervous.

But I was also getting pretty fed up. In a moment of drama, I told him he had to do something or I was going to go nuts.

The exterminator became very serious.

"There are very real psychological problems associated with a pest infestation," he said solemnly. He told us of a doctor (not one he knew or could name) that, after he had retired, began to find bugs everywhere. He even started to find bugs on his wife.

How this illustrated anything other than the debatable sanity of a supposedly real man, was beyond me.

But the exterminator had psyched himself out. He started to itch. He made a joke that he was getting them. As he slowly edged his way to the front door, he randomly decided to inform us that he had failed his certification test. Apparently he had missed a question and had filled in all the bubbles wrong after that point. He asked if we had ever done anything so stupid.

Aside from hiring him, nothing came to mind.

Then, after a short and thoroughly unrelated discussion about South Africa he left.

I don't think I'm going to get any sleep tonight over the sound of the bug laughing.